Two days ago, I was contacted by a sales representative from a firm that offers incentives to mobile users so they’ll become more loyal (company and product names have been removed):
Hi Walter,
Users love texting for free. They love you for it, right? So let’s love your users back – with free stuff. Each time a user does what you want – sending 10 texts, inviting more friends to your app, or buying a pack of minutes – we give them virtual coins. They redeem virtual coins for any product of their choice – like an XBox, PS3, Starbucks Coffee, or a $20 Amazon gift card. The top Communication apps are using [REDACTED] to increase user retention, engagement, and loyalty. Check out:
[COMPETITOR 1]
[COMPETITOR 2]
[COMPETITOR 3]
[REDACTED] is awarding more than 8M users a day across thousands of Android apps. We increase user retention by 12-14%.The rewards and virtual coins don’t cost you anything. Just give out rewards to your users, and watch them come back every single day. Users text a lot more and get free stuff. You get more opportunities to engage with them. Everyone shares the <3.
Regards,
— Sales Rep
When I didn’t reply, he followed up tonight:
Knock knock… Anyone home? I haven’t heard back yet. Can I speak with someone from your Business Development Team?
🙂
— Sales Rep
I don’t know this guy, and perhaps I’m just in a mood… but this is one of the most off-putting sales emails I’ve ever received.
“Knock knock?” WTF, mate? Have I annoyed you because I didn’t respond promptly to your unsolicited message? Is there an onus on me to reply in a timely fashion to every sales pitch? I didn’t realize.
And, no: that smiley face doesn’t make you seem any less unmannerly. I never knew a sense of entitlement was key to closing the deal, so thanks for setting me straight.
Also, did you happen to notice that our apps don’t contain any of the features or actions you described, such as sending texts or buying minutes? Should I be offended that you couldn’t be bothered to take two minutes to read about our apps, or should I just feel fortunate to hear from you?
Setting my reaction aside for a moment, does his message like he’s interested in helping me become more successful? Or did it seem rather Ctrl + C, Ctrl + V?
More Gaudy Patter 